16 April 2014


My current artist to help me cope with life is Yuna. She's not new and I've heard her many times before, but at this point of my life, her music resonates and heals me most. I never ever really listened to any Malay songs, Yuna's has been my love. These two right now have be on repeat.

'Decorate' in English.

'Lelaki' in Malay.
Lelaki translates to "man". The first verse goes "who do you think you are, this love you just dump?".

Anyway, to update you guys. It's been very rough these past few weeks, as seen in previous posts, but I think I've reached a point of numbness. I really don't feel anything anymore, or don't want to feel anything anymore. Some of you might think it's not good to not feel, but I've been feeling so much I just want it all to stop.

I am thankful however because I am so, so blessed to be surrounded by people who are so loving and helpful, even from people across few seas and continents.

I'll be okay.


09 April 2014


I think it has finally hit. I miss Malaysia. I miss my mother, I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss home, I miss familiarity.

But don't get me wrong, I still kinda like being here in Melbourne.

I miss home, though. I think I needed to take time away from Malaysia to truly appreciate it. If I thought I knew what homesickness was, I obviously had no clue. Right now I am hit with a serious intense case, so much so I kinda cried (actually did, not kinda).

All my close friends and family know that I'm not much of a home person and whenever any opportunity rise for me to go away, I would, but I think all I need way a break. I suppose I was in a relationship with Malaysia and all of it and I was just bored and need a refreshment. Never has distance makes the heart grow fonder been so true.

I think among all things I miss my mom most. My teenage self would roll her eyes at that, but honestly I now understand the importance of my mom and her never ending love for me and everyone around her. I spoke to her on the phone earlier with tons of tears streaming down my face saying I miss her and with her few sentences of comfort, I felt so much better. Only my mom can do that. Her words are reliable, her love is without intention. Who, on the earth, can have such pure love besides God? Mothers.

Second on the list for things miss: friends. I miss my three lovely girlfriends of a decade and I miss my church friends of years. I miss you all. I miss mamak sessions and movies, I miss shouting and being crazy in the car, I miss taking a million silly selfies, I miss conversations.

Third in the bucket, I miss my home/house. I miss the idea of home. I miss warmth home-cooked food with family and I miss watching television with family after that dinner. I miss the annoying vacuum noises that woke me up and I miss being bugged to walk the dog. Speaking of which, I miss my dog Lucky. I miss the warmth of my home, both in physical temperature and abstract heart-love wise..if you get what I mean.

Dude, and can you believe it, I actually miss high school.

Yeah, I miss Malaysia. I admit it. I'll be going home for break some time this year or beginning of next. I will, I will. I miss home.


07 April 2014


Today was a refreshing day. I've yet to find a church to call home yet despite visiting a few, but I think I might have found it in Bridge Church.

Growing up in Metro, my church back in Malaysia, I never had to step out of comfort. I knew a lot of people since we were kids and grew to be familiar with each other pretty well throughout the years. I never understood the discomfort and awkwardness new people had to face when they enter my church because I didn't have to. The church was like home because I was comfortable.

Being new in Melbourne, I've been looking for the same home, or something of near status. I've been to a few churches and the people have been great, but it never really...fit. I was welcomed by the people, but I didn't really feel welcome welcomed...if you get what I mean? People were lovely, but there was a barrier. I thought then, is this how it feels like for visitors in my church (in malaysia) as well?

Bridge Church was a little different, however. As soon as Lisa and I stepped into the church, a lady approached us and spoke to us and really took the time to get to know us(?). I cannot explain how I judge genuineness, but it felt genuine. We spoke to a few others after her and they all seem to share that same aura of truthfulness. They are also quick to take action. "Interested in joining a small group or coming more often to church? Stay here I'll find the youth pastor to speak to you and give me your number so I can call you about the group." It can be a little intimidating, I suppose, but I appreciated it because they didn't just say hey, nice to meet you, bye, but actually took action. 

The worship was energetic and the congregation was responsive. It was epic, like boom boom BOOM. Like, if you need to wake up, the worship session will do. The preaching was great as well and did not bore me one second, at all. Counting on first impressions: Bridge won me.

Also, I want to take a moment to appreciate the amazing graphic design they have.

I can't put my feet completely down yet. I would have to visit a few more times before I can decide. I do have a good feeling about Bridge though..we'll see.


02 April 2014

Trust Without Understanding/ Unplugging From Facebook

I want to thank the people who have sent me encouragement for what I said on my last post through email, comments, and facebook message. I did not expect so many replies because I often do not get many, but thank you, I appreciate each one so very much. Most of you are anonymous, except friends and old readers, but it does not matter one bit because it has aid tremendously knowing that I am not alone in this, that you guys have gone through/are going through the same. And also some who are not believers but have also offered encouragement. Thank you. so. much.

I watched the video that one of you had sent to me on my comment box and I cannot appreciate you enough for doing that. It helped hugely because it related so directly. It was, I suppose, a prescription. No going around the bush.

Many words that she said struck me deep.

"Because you just cannot understand how that, if God is good, the bad things that had happened to you had happened..." link

"God is bigger than my questions and I'm gonna trust God enough to not have to know why..." link

"..go through those things with him.." link

But truth is, although so much of what she said had helped, I cannot put a cease to my unhappiness and my doubting. I have a better understanding and thinking of how to handle my situation, but I am so woven in this muddy water, I don't know how to shake it off. It will take time. Building trust takes time.
I have decided then to detach myself from Facebook for the moment. In all this chaos, I just really want to be silent (and try to be with God). I need space. I (really) need God.

I will still continue to post here though.

Please be very welcome to send me an email (in the contact tab above) if you have an advice or just want to have a conversation.

Again, I appreciate all the comments and messages you have given. Please forgive me for not replying to you directly; give me some time.


01 April 2014

The truth about my christian faith

I have 'The Scientist' by Coldplay playing while I write this.

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard."

Emo nemo Angie right here. I'm thinking on how I can properly speak my emotions out here. Writing has become hard for me because I've pushed myself into thinking I pretty much such at everything I used to think I was good with, but I'm still good with talking, especially with people I trust. So I will write this as if you are someone I trust.

I've been quite down these few days. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, but even when I'm on the good level of this ride, I still feel absolutely devastated. I am scared, anxious, and restless. It is draining and exhausting because it seems to be a ride that I can't seem to step out of. I am losing interest in things I used to love and just don't feel like getting out of bed. I love being around people and thrive on being with people, but right now I just want to avoid any souls I see. I don't know what depression is but this sure feels like it. I am not sad, I am just no longer motivated on living.

But there is God..

There is and I truly know that. The problem is though that sometimes He does things I do not understand and it makes it so absolutely hard to be faithful. Here is a common sequence of my faith.

1. Meh, don't really feel God.
2. Hmm, what my friend said today makes God sound pretty cool. I'll try it again.
3. I will read the Bible and pray today.
4. Okay, I feel this. I get God.
5. Oh yeah, God is good.
6. Yeah God is good.
7. What just happened to my life. Why did this happen to me.
8. But God, I was beginning build my faith? 
9. Why.
10. I want so badly to turn my back on God again.
11. I'm holding on a little bit more.

I am right now at 11.

See, I wish people in church speak about this more and tell me specifically on how to deal with situations like this. I can guarantee most will say "pray and trust God", but honestly, although it is a good suggestion, I kinda need a solution. Tell me something to do at the moment because I am freaking the hell out and would not like to live for God anymore. GIVE ME A PRESCRIPTION. Tell me something like "go home, sit on your bed, write down why you are sad, write possible solutions for them, and pray about it." Maybe not like that, but do you get what I mean? Don't you wish the answers to your cries from elders in church would be more than "pray and trust"? (However, I will give some slack and say that today I did meet someone from M's church that has been absolutely helpful. And LS as well who've been a great friend. I suppose I can call them the do Christians. They told me to pray, but they also physically helped me.)

But the point is I suck in being a faithful Christian. I am weak and I fall easily. I am trying so so so hard to trust God completely, but I'm afraid that if I fall to trust God wholly, He won't actually be there to catch me...like what am I to do if that happens?

I wish I can be that Christian with the oomph in every step he take. In trouble and pain, I wish my faith can be bigger than my fear. I want to love and trust so deeply in God to be able to say "meh, this problem is nothing compared to what He can do", but honestly, I'm more likely to say "I hate life. I hate the world. Let me die."

Number 11 though. I am still holding on.

Yeap, pretty much me every time I want to pronounce kbye to God.

Please, if you have any advice/opinion, feel very free to speak it.


30 March 2014


Yeah, I've been pretty sad these few days and I can't seem to snap out of it, but tea brings me a little less sad. Just a little. Sigh.